With Spring Break only hours away, I think it’s acceptable to say that no one gives a fuck about anything else at this point. This past week has been nothing but mental breakdowns and last minute papers, but the time has finally come when we can really let loose and be the true college students we were meant to be: Spring Breakers.
Since the only thing in your college student heads right now is either going home to see Grandma or get fucking trashed in Fort Lauderdale next week, I decided to compare your spring break plans to the most idiotic, perpetual spring breakers I know: the Kardashians.
If you’re staying on campus: You’re life fucking sucks. Like I get that you don’t want to fly coach back home to your second estate in SoCal, but COME ON. Why wouldn’t you want to go home for a week? Nice bed, free food (provided by your maids of course), guaranteed better WiFi. What’s not to love? Your parents? Or if you have a loving pet back home like, what you doing here? Sleeping with a congressman?
Kardashian Rating: Kylie, because she kind of just sucks the most and would be most likely to be sleeping with a congressman.
On the flipside, if you’re going home: How Boring. I mean, a peaceful week with nothing but rounds of golf and polo at the Hamptons. I respect a person that wants to relax and appreciate their family who gave you everything as a child. You have strong family ideals and even though Lord Disick treated you like shit, you know when to settle down, but also how to have a great time by yourself.
Kardashian Rating: Kourtney, because she hates making plans, and often does everything she can to avoid the ones she did make.
If you’re going to Florida or Mexico: Florida and Mexico are classic spring break destinations. Miami, Fort Lauderdale, Cancun – doesn’t matter because you’re just trying to get wasted every night and sit by the beach every day (also getting wasted). Your spring break spot is thriving with potential (to drink copious amounts of alcohol). You don’t have anyone or anything tying you down! There’s only one way to solve your problems and that’s by running away to the sea and drinking your break away. Please come back alive.
Kardashian Rating: Khloe, because she’s a blast and has worked her ass off to look bomb as fuck in a bathing suit.
If you’re going to the Caribbean:Don’t lose your diamond earrings. Actually, just don’t bring your diamond earrings – or that ugly Louis Vuitton bag. It’ll probably get wet anyways and who knows what that will do for your aesthetic and follow ratio on Insta? While you’re at it, just post a liberating beach mirror pic to get your likes back up.
Kardashian Rating: Kim (obviously)
If you’re going to Europe: You’re killing it. Seriously, if you successfully planned a trip out of the states to Europe for the week, mad props to you. I hope your modeling career in Paris takes off soon. I hope you take me with you next time because you’re the only actual one with a future here.
Kardashian Rating: Kendall, because she’s going places (and so are you).