#SexWeekDoes: Presidential candidates’ bang-ability

We're still scarred from the mental images.

Guilty Pleasures | The Guilty Pleasures Team | March 2, 2016

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With primary season and The Rival’s #SexWeek well underway, we thought it only appropriate to rank the presidential candidates in the order in which we’d have sex with them. We searched each candidate on Google Images and comments those photos elicited are included below. We included some “fan favorites” who have since dropped out of the race to have a nice round number of 10. Former candidates not included were omitted based on the fact that we barely know who the fuck they are.

Let’s start with the best:

1. Martin O’Malley

Maryland Gov Pics on Flickr
Shirtless Martin O’Malley | Maryland Gov Pics Flickr

“Oh my god, I mean, look at his abs.”
“Martin O’Daddy, honestly.”
“He’s like the epitome of a DILF.”
“Fuck look at his arms. Shit.”
“Look at him pointing, it’s hot.”
“He’s got a weird thumb.”
“He still could, though.”
“Does he have a son?”
“Why, you tryna hit that?”
“He’s the only guy on this list with shirtless pics on Google.”
“He looks a little like Kevin Spacey, who I’d already do.”
“But like super hot Kevin Spacey.”
“I feel like Martin O’Malley would be mad at my life decisions.”
“No, not mad, just…disappointed.”

2. Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio tryna steal yo' girl | Esquire
Marco Rubio tryna steal yo’ girl | Esquire

“Super hot.”
“Look at all that hair. Damn that’s hot.”
“There’s not that many pictures of him young.”
“He doesn’t need them – he’s hot now.”
“He’s like a less hot version of Wilmer Valderrama.”
“Look at him happy and smiling. I want the best for him and by best I mean to go back to doing what he was doing before he was running for president.”

3. Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton smirking | Getty Images
Hillary Clinton smirking | Getty Images

“There are so many pictures of her in striped pants.”
“No look! See, she was really pretty when she was young.”
“I don’t know. I’m hot and cold.”
“She definitely batted up for Bill.”
“Yeah, she gets extra points for marrying Bill.”
“I hate that we’re giving her extra points for marrying someone.”

4. John Kasich

John Kasich | CNN
John Kasich | CNN

“He’s kind.”
“He looks like he teaches elementary music class.”
“He looks like my french teacher…who’s a girl.”
“He looks like he got cut from The Beatles because he couldn’t play drums well enough.”
“Yeah, like a CVS brand Beatle.”
“No, he’s not that ugly, you guys. Leave him alone.”
“He’s shockingly not attractive young. I had high hopes…because of his kind eyes.”
“He’s like the guy you would bone if you were trying to bone, but there was no one to bone.”

5. Jeb(!) Bush

Jeb(!) sans smile in his eyes | CNBC
Jeb(!) sans smile in his eyes | CNBC

“A nice sloppy second to his brother.”
“I don’t know, maybe when he was younger.”
“His smile doesn’t reach his eyes.”
“He had a unibrow for like too long.”
“But comparatively, he’s kind of cute.”
“He looks like he’s trying to make his mom proud.”
“Aww, guys. He is making his mom proud.”
“He looks like a gerbil that’s scared you picked him up.”
“I feel sorry for Jeb(!)”

6. Ben Carson

Carson wondering why he's not above Jeb(!) | CNN
Carson wondering why he’s not above Jeb(!) | CNN

Young Ben Carson looks like a 70s R&B singer.”
“Ben Carson looks like he always just farted.”
“Wait, where did Ben Carson even come from? He’s a neurosurgeon.”
“Ben Carson looks like the high dog meme.”

7. Bernie Sanders

Happy with being in 7th | Huffington Post

“Ew.”
“I feel like Bernie looked 70 even when he was 20.”
“Crusty.”
“You just look at him and smell old people.”
“I don’t like to think of Bernie Sanders as a sexual being.”
“At least he wants your birth control covered by health insurance.”
“At least we can talk to him and not want to punch him in the throat.”
“Speak for yourself. I’m from the South.”

8. Donald Trump

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ | Business Insider
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ | Business Insider

“He looks like Roz from Monster’s Inc.”
“He said he would date his daughter.”
“Tiffany’s ugly and looks like a sloth – look her up.”
“Oh yeah, she does. She looks like Sid.”
“I feel like he’s trying to be as hot as his daughters like getting spray tans and dying his hair.”
“I can’t fuck with the teeth.”
Young Donald Trump has a very punchable face.”
“Old Donald Trump has a very punchable face.”
“Even more so.”
“If Donald Trump’s daughter’s a sloth, he had to fuck a sloth.”
“That’s just science.”

9. Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz's sad face | USA Today
Ted Cruz’s sad face | USA Today

“He has, like, a phallic shaped head.”
“He looks like a serial killer.”
“Isn’t he the zodiac killer?”
“And he looks like a skinny Kevin.”
“Just sad. Look at that yearbook picture.”
“He looks and/or is a goblin.”
“His professional photos look like he didn’t know he was getting his picture taken”
“Imagine having to live with that face…like not him, but everybody else.”

10. Chris Christie

Christie yelling | Gawker
Chris Christie, yelling | Gawker

“No.”
“He’s the DUFF.”
“He looks like a rat.”
“He looks exactly like a rat.”
“Chris Christie looks like he’s always yelling.”
“He is always yelling.”
“I feel like he’s every dad who gets way too angry at his kids’ sporting events.”
“He looks like someone who would support Trump.”


The Guilty Pleasures team would like the record to show that we would do both Barack Obama and Joe Biden, in that order, before doing any one of these (former) candidates.


#SexConfessions

“I was hooking up with a Tinder guy, and things were getting pretty heated. He proceeds to tell me that I smell good. (Like of course I do. I put on perfume. Thanks for noticing.) Sounds good, right?! WRONG. He follows up that statement with, “you smell like my mom.” Safe to say the mood was ruined, and I can’t wear that perfume anymore without wondering if I smell like a Brazilian mother.” – Not your mom, 20

“I was finally hooking up with one of the most attractive guys at UMD and we were in his dorm about to do the deed. Right before we start he goes, “Oh by the way…I can’t ever finish.” So I was like “Oh, that’s okay!” but in my head I was like, “Challenge. Accepted.” Anyway, we start to do the deed and drunk me gets this idea and without even thinking I say,”You know, if I can hit your prostate you will cum instantly..” (This is science, people.) And so he said, “Well okay..” and without even thinking I stuck my finger in his butt. THEN, he sticks his fingers IN.MY.TUSH. So, here we are in this twin bed, having sex, plugged up with one another’s fingers. So, we both sorta mutually agreed we weren’t feeling it and continued with the hookup, where he still never finished and basically confirmed I ruined my finger and dignity for no solid reason…we agreed never to speak of butt play to one another again.”- Can’t hang at UMD, 19