The Semi-Colonial talks Oscars

Semi-Colonial | | February 28, 2016

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The Oscars, an awards show where people who memorize lines for a living have to read their acceptance speeches from a piece of paper, is being held this evening.

This year’s crop of nominees has drawn widespread criticism due to their lack of diversity. However, the Academy has insisted that its not their fault that people are running out of movies to make about slavery, civil rights, and poor people.

Even the film, “Straight Outta Compton,” only received one nomination for the two white writers of the film. This of course begs the more important question: two white guys wrote “Straight Outta Compton”!?  They let them use the n-word that much?

To prepare you for the awards we at Semi-Colonial have put together a cheat sheet of all the white films and white actors that you should know about before the white show begins.  

 

Best Picture Nominees

Spotlight

(Erotic Thriller)

A serial killer targets spotlight operators at a small community theater in Birmingham, Michigan. Rachel McAdams stars as Regina George, a woman attempting to atone for her past of personally victimizing high schoolers by trying to find the killer. She is forced to subsist on Calteen bars for the majority of the film.

The Big Short

(Dystopian Future)

The film documents the economic crash of the Scott’s Tots Program, which resulted from Michael Scott promising weak loans to a class of elementary school children for college.  Although it would have seemed as though the system was too big to fail, Michael Scott ravaged the economic stability of nearly two dozen families by cancelling the promised loan in exchange for laptop batteries.  (“Hey Mr. Scott What You Gonna Do? What You Gonna Do? Make Our Dreams Come True” was also nominated for Best Original Song.)

The Martian

(Murder-Mystery)

After a disaster leaves him stranded alone on Mars, Matt Damon is forced to use his ingenuity, intellect, and cunning to devise a way to masturbate in a zero G environment. Childish Gambino is there.

Room

(Comedy)

This film adaptation of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt stars Brie Larson as Kimmy and Jacob Tremblay as Titus Andromedon.  The nail biting finale leaves space for an upcoming sequel, Hallway.  Childish Gambino is not there.

The Revenant

(Family)

After a mother bear is viciously murdered by an off season hunter, her cub embarks on a journey to find her killer.  In these uncertain times, he just so happens to learn a lot about life, love, and rock n’ roll.   

Inside Out

(Psychological Horror)

This is not nominated for Best Picture, but it’s delightful. A young girl sees a psychotherapist to learn that she suffers from a never-before documented mental condition.  According to the doctors, she is quinta-polar.  Unlike being bipolar, this young girl has five distinct voices in her head, ravaging her mind….. from the inside out.

Brooklyn

(We didn’t see it)

Set in 1952, the film tells the story of a young Irish woman’s immigration to Brooklyn, where she quickly falls into a romance. When her past catches up with her, however, she must choose between two countries and the lives that exist within them for her.” – Wikipedia.

One of the guys from The Force Awakens is in this movie.

Mad Max: Fury Road

(Adult)

The toys are mistakenly delivered to a daycare center instead of the attic right before Andy leaves for college, and it’s up to Woody to convince the other toys that they weren’t abandoned and to return home.

Bridge of Spies

(Rom-Com)

Tom Hanks stars in this moving film about the leaders of two respective bridge companies who spy on each other to win the title of Best Bridge in the world famous Westminster Bridge Building Competition.  About 45 minutes of the movie is Tom Hanks standing on his bridge quietly staring across to his competitor’s bridge through binoculars.  

 

Notable Performances

 

Leonardo DiCaprio

The Revenant

DiCaprio gives a harrowing performance in The Revenant, possibly doing enough to earn his first Oscar win. Critics applauded him for his method acting skills that pushed his mind and body to the limit, citing the fact that Leo grew real facial hair for the movie. In any other year this would be a shoe-in for Best Actor, but with recent controversy many people believe the Academy will be hesitant about giving the award to another white dude. DiCaprio has since released a statement saying, “…please?”.

Michael Fassbender

Steve Jobs

Michael Fassbender flawlessly portrays the late Steve Jobs in this emotional biopic.  Movie audiences were left wondering, “Is that the guy from X – Men?  I am pretty sure Julie told me he has a giant shlong.  I should google it real fast–OH SHIT! That was so bright! Everyone in the theatre is definitely staring at me now.  Oh god, I hope they don’t know I was looking at Fassbender’s dick pic.  I mean, there is no way they know, right?  Unless they are reading my mind.  And people can’t read minds.  When except maybe Fassbender’s character in X-Men.  Or maybe that was the other guy…  What was his name… Something McAvoy… I wonder how big his dick is….”

Bryan Cranston

Trumbo

Best known for his ground-breaking performance in Malcolm in the Middle, Bryan Cranston returned to screens after a 10 year absence, wowing audiences with his new foray into the drama field.  Who could’ve known Bryan Cranston was such a talented dramatic actor!?   

Eddie Redmayne

The Danish Girl

A young girl with a big heart sets out to follow her dreams of opening her own bakery that only makes danishes.  However it’s not as simple as it may seem.  The protagonist has to make a brave transition from the world of scones to the great unknown that is danish-making.

Women

Cate Blanchett/Brie Larson/Jennifer Lawrence/Charlotte Rampling/Saoirse Ronan

Can’t wait to see what they’re wearing!

 

But just because all the nominees are white this year doesn’t mean the whole ceremony is going to look like a Coldplay concert.  The host of this year’s Oscars is well-known-black-person, Chris Rock!  
The Academy has ensured viewers that Chris Rock won’t be the only black person partaking in the event.  They have also promised to hire all black waiters and waitresses and the event will be, of course, black tie.

 


This article is satirical in nature, but the Academy really is a bit racist.