Republicans suggest how to settle brokered convention

Semi-Colonial | Tom Smyth | April 12, 2016

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NEW YORK– With continued speculation that no republican candidate will acquire the 1,237 delegates needed to win the nomination, a brokered convention seems imminent and pundits have begun to question how a nominee would be chosen.

When asked how he thought a brokered convention should be settled, republican candidate Ted Cruz suggested that a nominee should be determined by a Grandpa Munster look alike contest.  Grandpa Munster is, of course, a character from the classic television show The Munsters.

“And while we’re on the subject might I also just throw out there, uh, maybe a Yahtzee tournament or ventriloquism competition,” said Cruz, fighting as his campaign manager tried to pull him away, “I’m phenomenal at Yahtzee!”

On the other hand, John Kasich is hoping the convention involves a pinewood derby of some kind.

“I’m actually still in Boys Scouts and I’ve won every pinewood derby I’ve ever been in for the past 57 years.  All the other kids quit after high school, but not me, I stick with things and see them through.  I’m a Bald Eagle Scout.  Technically they only go up to Eagle Scouts but they made an exception for me because I wrote them a lot of letters about it,” said Kasich.

However, frontrunner Donald Trump has taken issue with his opponents suggestions.

“I’m the best damn Yahtzee player the world has ever seen, and Lyin’ Ted would only be so lucky to look anything like Grandpa Munster.  Have you seen that face?  If he were a woman I’d say he was disgusting,” said Trump,  “And if Kasich races tiny wooden cars like he wins primaries, he’s going to have a big problem.”

Trump has his own ideas for how to determine the GOP nominee during a possible brokered convention.

“I think it’s totally obvious, quite frankly,” said Trump,  “You give each candidate a hot dog stand in the streets of New York.  They market their hot dogs, get celebrities to come down, really get the wheels of democracy turning.  Whoever sells the most hot dogs wins. The loser is fired and the runner-up can make a Snapple commercial with Gary Busey and Lil Jon next week.”


This article is satirical in nature.