#SexWeekDoes: Unrealistic movie sex scenes

Some sexy spoilers, I guess?

Guilty Pleasures | Jazmyn Strode | March 3, 2016

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It’s rare that Hollywood gets sex scenes right. I mean, it is asking a lot to have two people who don’t really know each other fake doing it in front of not only several cameras, but also several people. Then again, that’s called “being an actor.” Sex is weird, and it’s probably weird to pretend to do it (even if it’s technically your job), but there are a few films that make it look real and in doing so, are completely unrealistic.

“Fifty Shades of Grey”

So this shit is like straight up porn, like she’s naked, he’s naked, he’s spanking her, we see a lot of boob action, etc. The thing is, this bitch was apparently a virgin, and no one’s first time is that good.

“The Wolf of Wall Street”

You mean it’s not just a regular, mid-coital thing for a guy to sniff cocaine out of my asshole?

“Titanic”

If your first time was that steamy, it means you were in a car, and that could not have been comfortable.

“Atonement”

This sex scene is so nice and unrealistic and up against a book case that it kinda distracts from that bitch of a little girl (looking at you, Saoirse Ronan) spying and trying to ruin everyone’s life. It’s so intense though. No sex is that intense. Or maybe I’m just not having the right sex. That’s probably it.

“The Notebook”

The BUILD UP of this SCENE, THO. It’s all wet and passionate and there’s a lot of heavy breathing. I never really cared for it because he like throws her up against the wall and she’s a proper southern lady who doesn’t seem like she’d like to be thrown up against the wall, but I guess we don’t know what Allie wants as much as Noah knows what Allie wants.

“Boogie Nights”

This movie is about the porn industry and has William H. Macy in it. If that’s not enough to make you really uncomfortable and want to run for the hills – no offense to William H. Macy, love you – then watch it. Julianne Moore is hot or whatever but any time she has sex with the Wahlberg guy (Donnie? Marky Mark?), they’re being intensely watched because, again, this is movie is about the porn industry. You won’t always be watched when you’re having sex. Don’t let this movie make you think that. (Unless that’s what gets you off.)

“Brokeback Mountain”

Heath Ledger didn’t even get a kiss before Jake Gyllenhaal went for it. Don’t let anyone do that to you.

“The Graduate”

This is unrealistic because, my god, how many of you have had sex with your dad’s coworker’s wife? Don’t admit to that; it was rhetorical.

“Black Swan”

This isn’t even unrealistic. It’s just like, weird, because that entire movie was pretty fucking weird. I guess if you can look past the fact that the scenes leading up to this were weird, this lesbian sex scene would be hot. Maybe.

“Pretty Woman”

Again with the no kissing thing? I feel like kissing is a necessity of sex. Do you just stare at each other? That could get weird real quick. Don’t just stare at each other. Kiss because it gives you an excuse to close your eyes, and they won’t be able to tell you’re actually thinking about how you need to do your laundry or how you haven’t called your mom in a while.

In Hollywood’s defense, if we saw real-life sex in a movie, we’d probably be really grossed out. It’d be miserable to watch. Or, again, maybe I’m just not having the right sex.


#SexConfessions

“I was having sex with a girl against the wall and it shattered into the neighbors bedroom.” – (Real name, which I’ve omitted), 20

“Of course I’ve had sex in all of the typical GW places – Thurston first floor women’s handicap bathroom, Thurston laundry room, Thurston stairwell, Dakota stairwell, frat house basement, etc. etc. But, one night at a lacrosse party, I fucked one of the team members. In the garage, on top of a car.” – I was an Idiot Freshman, 20


Cover photo: Still shot from “Wolf of Wall Street” | Paramount Pictures