During Super Bowl 50, the NFL ran this self-promoting ad claiming Super Bowl Sunday is a magical day, and “football is family.” Oh, also the commercial features Seal – just in case you forgot he existed.
Now I could go on a rant about the whole NFL “football is family” thing (*cough* DOMESTIC VIOLENCE *cough*)…but I’m not going to. Instead, I want to get into “Super Bowl Babies.” The NFL is basically saying that forty weeks prior to your birth, something cool as fuck must have happened, like your team winning the Super Bowl, for your parents to stand each other enough to perform the act of making you. If you were born somewhere between late October and early November, you very well might be a “Super Bowl Baby.” Here is a list of other (possible) “event” babies. I apologize in advance for the mental image of your parents boning away.
Tax Season Babies
Born on or around January 15th? You were toooooootally a stress release baby. You’re parents finally filed their taxes, probably last minute (which might be why you’re such a procrastinator), and then found a way to celebrate!
Robert E. Lee’s Birthday Babies
Yeah. This exists. It’s apparently a State holiday in Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Arkansas. In some of those states, its celebrated on the third Monday of January, which, yes, you’re correct, is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. (Yikes.) So if you’re from those states and you were born on or around September 19th, you were conceived in celebration of a Confederate General’s birthday (or in defiance of him and in celebration of MLK)! So you get to live with that information now. Hope you’re cool with the guilt.
President’s Day Babies
What better way to honor Washington and Lincoln? Born on or around November 15th. Raise High!
Take Our Sons and Daughters to Work Day Babies
The official date of this holiday is April 28th. Born in the end of January? This applies. If you are not the first born, your parents got home from work so pissed off at your older sibling they decided to make a huge mistake and have another. Even if you are first born, they must’ve hated their coworkers kids at work. Maybe it was revenge. Maybe they thought “Dave’s kid is so fucking annoying. Let’s have a kid just to annoy Dave as much as little Jeffrey and his inability to share his Cheerios annoyed me today. Maybe our kid will grow up and beat the shit out of Jeffrey one day. Alright let’s do this!”
Monica Lewinsky Scandal Babies
Born in mid to late October of 1998? Your parents just wanted some of the relations Lewinsky and Clinton were supposedly not having. The Monica Lewinsky scandal broke in mid-January 1998.
Winter Storm Jonas Babies
Just think: eightish months from now Jonas babies will be born. And no, I don’t mean Kevin and Danielle are having another kid. (Although they might be, but nobody gives a shit anymore.) People who had nothing better to do when snowed in all along the east coast will have their very own event babies!
Women’s Equality Day Babies
On August 26, ladies all across the globe put on “Run the World” by Beyonce, scream/sing the lyric “Strong enough to bear the children, then get back to bidness” and get busy making that happen.
Leif Erikson Day Babies
For anyone who knows what this actually is, the holiday occurs on October 9th. However for Spongebob fans (aka everyone I know), it’s every damn day and always an excuse to make a baby. (But if you’re born around early July, this might be the reason.)
Columbus Day Babies
Born near July 10th? Columbus Day Baby! You were a product of your parents getting rid of their frustration – frustration that we celebrate a man who is responsible for the death of millions of indigenous people!
If you were born around January 20th, your parents definitely observe the most important holiday of the year. #Blaze
My birthday is August 2, 1997. However, I was born about 3 weeks early. SO the only obvious cause of my conception is the fact that on October 27, 1996, the United States beat Japan, 21½ to 14½, at Nichirei International Golf Tournament. Hell yeah. I’m interesting as shit.
“I was having sex on the deck of a cruise ship on one of those huge & comfortable lawn chair covers. Everything was going great until security came and explained that it was their obligation to tell us they can see everything via security cameras. They continued to tell us we didn’t have to stop as long as we were aware they were watching. We kept going for another twenty minutes” – Still Not an Exhibitionist, 22
“In my third weekend at college, still a wide eyed freshman, I ended up having a drunken 5-way make-out session with myself, two other guys, and two girls. Keep in mind all the guys were gay, the girls completely straight. After some unabashed making out and some OTPHJ action, we decided to call it a night, not because we weren’t feeling it, but because we realized we were still in the middle of a dorm party and literally everyone was staring at us. Still in my top 5 nights in college.” – The O(r)G(y)