WASHINGTON, DC – It was a sunny, warm spring morning when Candice Halls, a senior majoring in Political Science, sent in yet another goddamn job application and happily embraced the undeniable truth: she still has no idea what the fuck she’s doing.
“I just realized that the past four years I’ve been putting off being an adult and now it’s all hitting me at once and I’ve developed this weird stress rash but it’s fine,” Halls said, a cheerful smile plastered across her place. “And I’m okay with that.”
Halls has been applying for jobs since the beginning of the school year, her methods ranging from GWork, giving her business card to any well-dressed people she sees on the street, and throwing copies of her resume off of the roof of Lisner.
“I’ve sent out over 40 applications and only gotten two responses. This one was just a frowny face emoticon,” Halls says, displaying the response on her phone. “The other one at least had the decency to text me, although the only thing they sent was the poop emoji.”
Halls is not the only senior to be experiencing difficulties in the job search, but she has found it difficult to see all of her “unambitious” and “stupider” friends get jobs before her.
“I have this friend Nicole,” she says, using airquotes to punctuate the word “friend.” “She submitted two applications and got a job offer. You know what her major was? Fucking art history!”
The job application process is a hard time for most college seniors, and this isn’t lost on Halls.
“It is stressful, but I’ve found ways to cope with it,” she says, lighting a cigarette. “Are you familiar with the Fulbright roof fires?”
With these recent difficulties, Halls is experiencing some regrets about her academic decisions.
“This is probably what I get for deciding to major in Political Science,” she says. “I should have majored in Business or Finance – those asshats have had jobs lined up since the first day of their Freshman year.”
Halls has also begun to reevaluate exactly what it is she wants to pursue when she graduates in May.
“Honestly at this point I think I might just apply for grad school so I can put off deciding on my future for another few years,” she says, laughing. “Maybe I’ll check out American University’s programs.” Her laugh quickly devolves into an uncomfortable sob.
Housing has also been a problem for Halls, who is scrambling to find “literally anywhere” she can stay once she graduates. She’s had trouble pinning down friends who would want to live with her.
“Every time I ask someone if they want to live with me, their eyes glaze over and they don’t respond,” Halls says. “One of my friends offered to split a place with me, but the rent was going to be over $2000. Do I look like someone who can afford that?”
Despite all of this, Halls remains resilient and displays an eager and enthusiastic attitude amidst all of the uncertainty.
“Everything may be terrible, but I’m excited to see where the future takes me,” she says, laughing nervously as she departs for the metro escalators to make her way to the nearest pet adoption center, preparing herself for the inevitable life where only her 40 cats can provide her the comfort she needs.
This article is satirical in nature.