Semi Colonial Profiles: Prospective Student Mandi Parcell

Semi-Colonial | Pearl Kravets | April 7, 2016

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WASHINGTON — This week, the Semi Colonial was fortunate enough to catch up with prospective GW student Mandi Parcell. The bright eyed high school junior was happy to talk with our staff (until she realized we did not supply free t-shirts) about her first impressions of GW:

“So far, I can tell that GW is a really tight knit community, with academic advisers that are really there for you. I can also tell that there’s a lot of socioeconomic diversity: just walking through Kogan I saw Steve Job’s son chatting with the daughter of some schmuck whose venture barely made into the Fortune 500s.”  When asked about her proposed major, Mandi replied: “I really like painting so I’m considering fine arts. GW has a flourishing arts department. I know because it made it onto the back of a brochure I picked up in the brand new engineering hall.”

Before she went off to her first (but far from last) tango with alcohol poisoning, we asked if she had any concerns about the transition to college: “I know it might be rough at first. That’s why GW has such  fantastic mental health services. I can get up to two free therapy sessions, and the expected wait is only 48 months!”

Our follow-up reports confirm that Mandi made it home safely, and as a senior is enjoying her last venereal disease-free year of school before moving into Thurston Hall.

This article is satirical in nature.