Semi-Colonial Profiles: indiscriminate white GW male

Semi-Colonial | Alexis Pracar | April 5, 2016

  • Copied

WASHINGTON – John Smith III is a junior at GW majoring in political science. Smith is from Whitehaven, Connecticut and is damn proud of it. He’s excited to announce that he will serve as the 2016-2017 campus ambassador for Vineyard Vines. His favorite rap artists are Eminem, Mac Miller, and Drake. He lifts but isn’t in your face about it and avoids running– because cardio kills the gains.

Smith considers himself a very political person. He has tweeted prolifically about #BlackLivesMatter and his preferred advocacy #AllLivesMatter. “I think that if we really care about equality then we won’t be re-drawing racial lines. Black lives are just as important as white lives and we are being racist if we only talk about black lives,” remarked Smith. He identifies as colorblind and believes that this viewpoint is consistent with what he learned about the veil of ignorance in philosophy 101.

Smith does not like the word feminist because he believes it is sexist and leaves men out of the fight for equality. While he does believe in gender equality he does not believe that it’s fair for feminists to try and make women superior to men. “Putting down others to make yourself feel better is bad. That’s like the first thing you learn in kindergarten. Come on, ladies.”

He’s undecided on who he’s voting for in the upcoming presidential election but is on the lookout for a candidate that will address the serious problem of PC culture. “I think that we are sheltering people from the real world and trapping them in a hyper-liberal feminist bubble. I for one am super bummed that we cancelled Action Bronson for spring fling. I get that the lyrics of his songs are offensive but like I didn’t let the words get to me. I don’t really get offended by a lot of things because I try to be above all that. I hope our president will fight against this blatant attack on freedom of speech.”

Smith’s proudest accomplishments include: sniping a 900-pound Marlin from his family’s Yacht last summer, always being able to rally, and swiping a dank ass carpet jacketa during a service trip to Mexico.

This article is satirical in nature.