Semi-Colonial Profiles: GWireless

Semi-Colonial | Audrey Whitehurst | April 6, 2016

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WASHINGTON—With the communication era well underway and bandwidth set to be the start of the next resource war, access to reliable wifi has become one of the most essential concerns of the modern university student, along with 24 – hour access to chemical agents to keep them awake and natural lighting for their snapchat selfies.  Semi-Colonial got a chance to sit down with GW’s main distributor of internet, GWireless, for a candid conversation about love, loss, and buffering.

According to GWireless’s biography, she is a “secure wireless network that uses an authentication method that works with a variety of computers, Apple iOS mobile devices, and a variety of Android devices,” but in reality she is so much more than that.  GWireless has been serving the GW community ever since the big internet boom.  “I just kind of saw an opportunity and went for it,” GWireless said as she remembered her days before she was a wireless network for over ten thousand undergrads, “I was just a small-modem kind of router at the time, but I dreamt of something bigger.”

Being the main internet provider for a college campus overrun by millennials is not always glamorous.  “Porn.  Just like a fuckton of porn all the time.  All hours of the days.  Everywhere,” she said, “And we aren’t talking like some soft-core, ‘two girls kissing’ sort of porn.  Some of the students here are into some weird shit.  I don’t want to get into it.  Those images are permanently saved to my data files, but I’ll say one word: Felching.”

Despite the tireless work of keeping internet functional all hours of the day for students’ studying and spanking needs, GWireless has figured out a way to keep herself entertained.  “This is kind of my dirty little secret,” she said, “but sometimes during finals week, I’ll find a sad sap who has been working on a paper on Google Doc or something like that for hours and I will just cut his access for no reason just to watch him freak out from behind the web cam.  People absolutely lose it!  If I really don’t like someone or they have a really good reaction, I’ll do it to them all the time.  Like, I know it is mean, but I just can’t help myself.”

In recent years, GWireless’s reign at GW has been threatened.  Eduroam, a “secure, worldwide roaming access service developed for the international research and education community” was introduced to the GW community in 2013 and the university students have been flirting with the new network ever since.  “I fucking hate Eduroam.  There, I said it,” GWireless admitted, “She thinks she is so cool and exotic just cause she is ‘worldwide’ and ‘international’.  Eduroam is a whore who is getting with all these other Universities on the side and GW doesn’t even seem to care.  It’s actually disgusting.  And don’t even get me started on the Gelbucks Wifi.”

Overall, GWireless is pretty satisfied with her time at the university and the work she does here.  “I mean, I am not perfect, no network is,” she said, “but who else are you going to pray to at 11:59 when you are trying to email your essay that is due at midnight?  God?  Ha.  Good luck with that.”

 This article is satirical in nature. Obviously.