Merrick Garland currently sitting on 1,000 business cards th...

Semi-Colonial | Tom Smyth | April 21, 2016

  • Copied

Merrick Garland currently sitting on 1,000 business cards that say “Supreme Court Justice”

WASHINGTON–After being nominated by President Obama to the Supreme Court, and having since been refused a hearing by the Senate, Merrick Garland is now stuck with a non-refundable order of 1,000 business cards that read “Supreme Court Justice.”

Garland contacted a printer not long after his press conference with President Obama in the Rose Garden. According to Garland he quickly chose a layout and font for the business cards so they would be ready by the time he was confirmed.

“I chose Helvetica Neue UltraLight for the font because it’s very modern, yet professional,” said a somber Garland, “They even had little gavels on them too.”

However, the 1,000 business cards, now sitting in a box under Garland’s desk, will go unused, as Senate republicans have vowed to block his confirmation.

“Mitch McConnell won’t answer any of my phone calls,” said Garland, “I mean if he’s not doing his constitutional duty the least he could do is offer to pay for these business cards. They cost $42, and it’s not like I’m making a Supreme Court justice’s salary over here.”

Garland has been spotted around the Capitol building, handing out homemade baked goods to Senate republicans.

“I think they would really like me if they got to know me,” said Garland, “I really need this job, I burned a lot of bridges at my old gig when I got the call from President Obama.”


This article is satirical in nature