Lactose wants more than tolerance– it wants acceptance...

Semi-Colonial | Alexis Pracar | April 22, 2016

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK– This Friday, a few local lactose molecules took the stage at a Bernie Sanders rally, interrupting a vivacious speech about wall street’s treacherous corruption. One molecule seized the microphone with its creamy fingers while Sanders peacefully stepped aside and bowed.

It exclaimed, “Modern society is decreasing intolerance but it is not enough. For too long we have faced the cold embrace of lactose tolerance. We want the warm, full-bodied, intimate hug of acceptance! Arms-length no longer! We want to be crotch-to-crotch with the world and to be loved as we are!”

Lactose intolerance, historically, is a serious issue that has been institutionalized in society for hundreds of years. Leaders like Frederick Douglassofmilk, Stokley Carmilkle, Milkcolm X, and Harvey Lactose blazed a trail for these youngsters hoping to make change– but there’s still a long way to go. Modern movements for lactose equality include #AllLactoseMatters and #FreeTheUdder.

Sanders commented, “of course I let them  take the stage– this is a cause I care deeply about too. Do you think I got this milky white hair by shunning and marginalizing lacotse? Ya crazy. I’m trying to fight the 1% not the 2%.”

The goals of the movement are to increase visibility for lactose, to mobilize young lactose molecules to fight against the police state, and to encourage celebration of the unique culture of lactose– notably Lactobacillus bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus.