In honor of 4/20, what kind of stoner are you?

Guilty Pleasures | The Guilty Pleasures Team | April 20, 2016

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It’s a beautiful Spring day in the District, and what better way to spend your afternoon than finding a nice spot in the sun, chowing down on a dank-ass sangwich, and enjoying the blooming trees around you while simultaneously rolling, packing, dabbing or spliffing a different type of tree, a fan-favorite type of tree.

Happy 4/20, everyone!

 

But today is not just a celebration of Mary Jane, it’s a celebration of YOU! You, who has made it your life’s work to learn every fact about whales that every ocean documentary series has to offer. You, who took a hit and like “actually, totally, seriously figured out what Heaven is and it’s not even because I’m stoned this time, dude!” You, who makes getting lifted that much more fun. So as we all bask in the green glory of today, Guilty Pleasures thought it appropriate to reflect on all the 4/20 enthusiasts out there. Do you see yourself on this list, or defy stoner stereotypes?

The Muncher

We all know one of these guys. The Muncher is the stoner who plans his/her smoke seshes around breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a second dinner. The first thing words out of The Muncher’s mouth after smoking is, “Does anyone want food?” Munchers have a signature snack (Cheddar and Sour Cream Baked Ruffles anyone?) and are frequently seen in the Taco Bell drive thru (or the KFC one, or the McDonald’s one, or the Dairy Queen one in the summer). Contrary to popular belief, Munchers are not lazy. In fact, Munchers are willing to drive 40 minutes just to go to Chik-fil-a (#noragrets). This stoner friend might be your diet killer, but he or she knows how to make a cheat meal count (TGIFridays, duh).

The Functional

*Smokes three bowls then successfully leads Future Chemists of America Meeting.* These folks are the unicorns of smokers: smart, successful, and seriously stoned. If there ever was someone to look up to it’s these guys. Rather then hit the bong and vegetate to some Family Guy, they hit the bong and hit the gym. They can do all things through weed, which strengthens them. Amen.

The Adventurer

This stoner can be a handful depending on your inclination or aversion to physical activity of any sort. This is the guy (or gal) who is always trying to get you guys to “do something crazy” when you get high. They find pleasure in chilling at a lake dock at midnight in the middle of nowhere. A stoned trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond is a regular event for them (BB&B coupons never expire). This stoner is better equipped for the daytime when it’s not suspicious for a group of 20-somethings to spend three hours in Joann Fabrics. At night the adventurer’s idea of a good time is about 20 times more likely to lead to an awkward escort by police home because he thought it was a “good idea” to go streaking in his neighbors front yard.

The Graduate

We all have that one friend who loves to remind us that they don’t really smoke weed anymore. They may have moved on to other harder drugs (congratulations!) or they may simply want to imply they’re mature and sophisticated and don’t want to be associated with the drug. This would be great and all if you didn’t see them high on it at least twice a week. It’s bothersome that we live in a time where people STILL think they have to live in denial about loving weed. It’s a great droga and yes, there are venues in which it definitely should not be discussed, but taking your fifth hit from the spliff is a silly time to deny your habitual use. It’s OK friend, it really is. We all know you’re a stoner and that’s one of the many reasons we love you.

The Giggler

This stoner is too much to handle in the sense that she – and it’s almost always a she – literally cannot even contain herself. She laughs at everything. She makes a great partner if you think you’re really funny (*cough* me *cough*) because she will laugh at all your jokes. She’ll even laugh when you aren’t joking. While the giggler can sometimes get annoying, for the most part she’s your favorite person to get high with. She validates your personality and will probably be down to do whatever you want to do, “as long as you keep cracking jokes!!! HAHAHAhahAHAHahAhAHaHaA…”

The Stoner Who Wants Everyone to Know He’s a Stoner

These try-hards aren’t even worthy of a description. If you don’t know one, you probably are one. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. PS: your Huf socks AREN’T FUCKING COOL.

The Observer

This wonderful breed of stoner just doesn’t see the use in doing anything other than watching movies or TV shows while high. It’s always great to have this friend in your back pocket, right next to that J you’re about to spark. Do you have a show that you’ve been meaning to marathon but don’t want to feel like a social recluse (for the fourth time this week)? For a few hits off the old bongaroo this friend will gladly burn an entire Friday afternoon with you and then suggest a movie they’ve been meaning to watch followed by suggesting that you watch Blue Planet together for the fifth time. Even if you haven’t spent time with that “Observer” for a while, it’s always a comforting thought to know they’re out there somewhere, ripped as Hell and laughing their ass off to some Archer.

The Philosopher

There’s always the kid who puff, puff, passes and becomes a modern day Ari-fuckin-stotle. Whether they’ve discovered the cure to cancer or just finally realized how to work the microwave, The Philosopher is always pitching what he or she believes to be the world’s next Nobel Peace Prize winning high-dea (even though it’s probably already been invented). Don’t be alarmed if you find them staring into space or at an inanimate object like a Granny Smith Apple for 20 minutes. They’re just channeling their inner Confucius, or trying to figure out how to turn the apple into apple sauce with their mind or something.

The Schizo

Did you guys hear that? I swear someone’s at the door…” Famous first lines from every paranoid stoner Joe and Jane. These dudes have pure intentions but just as soon as they light that joint, everyone is out to get them. “Shit do you think they know we’re high?” Well Joe, we are buying CVS’s entire stock of Dill Pickle Lays so yes, the check-out clerk might be a bit suspicious. Treat ‘em like a toddler: shove some snacks in their mouth, stick ‘em in front of the TV, and pray they pass out so the real fun can start.


This article was originally published on 4/20/2015 by last year’s Guilty Pleasures team.