Ginsburg to cash in Alito’s secret santa I.O.U in upcoming abortion case
WASHINGTON– In a stroke of misfortune and shortsightedness, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito made a mistake that will certainly force him to grant women the right to control their uteruses. With Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt coming up, a landmark decision that could overturn Roe v. Wade, Justice Alito is filled with regret and anxiety about a hastily written I.O.U. given to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
“Secret santa can be stressful when you get someone who you don’t have any decent inside jokes with,” lamented Justice Alito, who drew Justice Ginsburg’s name this year. Alito got frustrated trying to pick a semi-thoughtful gift, forgot about the secret santa exchange until 10 minutes before it happened, panicked, and wrote his fellow Justice a generic I.O.U. as a gift. He didn’t anticipate the ramifications of his last minute decision.
Alito expressed his concerns: “I’m a man of my word and Ruth knows that. She’s also calling in all her favors because this case is, no pun intended, her baby. You wanna know why Roberts cracked on Obamacare? Ruth helped him with a dead stripper situation a few years back and had been waiting to cash in that favor.”
Justice Ginsburg commented: “You think this is fighting dirty? Cry about it. Damn right I’m gonna fight dirty. You think I got this far by being a goody-goody? I’m not letting millions of women lose access to abortion because of some dummy nominated by the Bush administration. Not on my watch, assholes!”
Rumors have also been circulating claiming that Justice Sotomayor has been cyberbullying Justice Kennedy, the resident swing-vote in the Supreme Court, in hopes of securing his support in the abortion case. Sotomayor remarked, “you can’t make them love you, but you can make them fear you.”