Courageously white woman informs Amtrak employee about suspi...

Semi-Colonial | Pearl Kravets | March 31, 2016

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Washington — This past Friday, 33 year old Etsy shop owner Stefani Phillips became a local hero. Ms. Phillips had boarded Amtrak Northeast Regional Train 138 and was reading her US Weekly when, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted every God-fearing American’s worst nightmare. A family whose skin color can only be described as “not white” was making their way into her train car.  

Although she tried to ignore the intrusion, this family’s behavior became too suspicious to ignore.  “A couple minutes after the train left, I saw the woman reaching for something in one of their suitcases.” Ms. Phillips alleged that the woman could have been pulling the switch on a briefcase bomb. Other witnesses claim that the woman was rummaging in her suitcase for a granola bar for her young son.

Twenty minutes following this incident, Ms. Phillips spotted another alarming event: “I saw the man go into the bathroom, so, like a good patriot,  I timed him. He was in there for 97 seconds. Who knows how many bombs he could have planted in that time span! I read in The Inquirer that the Al-Taliban people learn how to rig up any five objects into a bomb in under 20 seconds!”

For Ms. Phillips the final warning sign came 35 minutes into her train ride of terror: “the kid started babbling in some crazy lingo. Then, the woman reached into her suitcase AGAIN and pulled out some baby carrots. You know what they use to grow carrots? Fertilizer. You know what they use to make bombs? Fertilizer.”

After gathering her strength and traversing the narrow aisle as conspicuously as possibly (to alert her fellow White-Americans of her impending bravery), Ms. Phillips approached an Amtrak employee and reported her observations. For her courage and diligence, Ms. Phillips was awarded a $5 cafe car credit and a nomination for the Public Transportation Association’s George W. Bush Vigilance Award.


In honor of her experience, Ms. Phillips is reportedly intending on getting ‘If you see something, say something’ tattooed on her lower back.


This article is satirical in nature.