WASHINGTON – It’s that time of year again. Students at The George Washington University are in the midst of finals, and many soon-to-be graduates are already looking forward to the mounting debt and entry-level positions that await them after the May 15 commencement. For a number of these GW seniors, the sheer anticipation seems to have become overwhelming, with the outbreak of a shocking new trend: Bucket-Listing.
Jerry Leibniz, university librarian, is a witness to several instances of Bucket-Listing: “They come in to the library, sometimes in the night and sometimes not, all dressed up like Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson from that one movie, and they just start going at it. I mean, really fucking each other’s brains out. Excuse my French.” According to Leibniz, students, both male and female, have been assuming the identities of characters played by Freeman and Nicholson in The Bucket List in order to perform public acts of intercourse, concealing their identities in the process.
“Oh, I’ve seen it all,” says Leibniz, “Freeman on Nicholson, Nicholson on Freeman… I once walked in on two Nicholsons going to town on a Freeman dressed up like God from Bruce Almighty. I mean, come on. Even I know that’s not the right movie” Leibniz reports that the Bucket-Listers seem to prefer the library’s group study spaces, and are generally respectful of the quiet zones.
When asked if he had seen the film from which students have drawn inspiration, Leibniz responded, “Yeah, I think I watched it on a flight one time. I remember I had really wanted to watch [Disney/Pixar’s] Ratatouille, but ended up paying for the wrong movie on accident. Good movie… Ratatouille, that is. I don’t remember much about the other one.”
Meanwhile, other George Washington University officials are less willing to allow students to continue Bucket-Listing without repercussions. A representative from the Office of Student Affairs offered the following official statement:
“Although we remain open-minded about the sexualities of our students, the university cannot condone the continued abuse of Warner Bros. characters and the likenesses of Mr. Freeman and Mr. Nicholson. Nowhere within the film in question, one that we believe to be of lasting cultural significance, is any form of sexual act depicted or alluded to. The Bucket List is a heartwarming tale of two terminally ill men, one divorced and the other struggling to remain interested in his wife, who become unlikely friends and travel the world together… Presumably sharing the same bed to save on trip expenses… Wait, they didn’t fuck in the movie, right?”
This article is awesome in nature.